"Is there a ghost in my house?" - Band of Horses

My favorite thing to do with my husband is drive.

We've driven all over this city and the suburbs just looking at houses, talking & laughing.

We point out all of the things we love about a house, a neighborhood, a yard.

And we laugh hysterically at what some people do to their houses, neighborhoods & yards.

In between planning our dream house and where we want to live next, we talk.

We talk about everything. The nitty-gritty if you will.

We talk a lot about what we want out of life. How blessed we are.

What we see for our future. Our future children. God. Faith. Friends.

& what we see in ourselves that we hate. There usually comes a time in our drives that neither of us notice, where we stop looking at our surroundings and only listen and speak while we drive aimlessly.

We then realize we've been driving for 3 hours, through 3 counties and we have to work the next day.

So we drive home and wait for the next drive.

Wednesday night, we drove. It had been awhile and we weren't sure where we wanted to go.

We've come to a point in our drives that it's hard to find neighborhoods we haven't driven through.

We've driven through most of central oklahoma city, south oklahoma city, north oklahoma city, moore, norman, yukon, surrey hills and some of edmond (neither of us like edmond - we only went there to find Kevin Durant's house).

We chose Yukon.

I just can't live in Yukon. It's not that I don't like Yukon or that it's a bad area.

It's the same as everywhere else really. In fact, I kind of enjoy how it's little farther from the hussle of the city but still convenient to buy groceries.

But Yukon holds my life in it. My old life anyway. It's filled with too many memories.

Too much has happened within those city limits. Too many memories are crammed into that place.

All I see as I drive down each street is something that reminds me of something else; of someone else.

It reminds me of some of the most precious moments of my youth but lying underneath the surface are also the worst parts of my youth.

I used to drive through Yukon when I missed Natalie. We would be seperated by life and we wouldn't see eachother much and I would drive through all the memories. It would be a quick pick-me-up when I was down.

Now I drive through the memories and it's an overwhelming sadness. I suppose maybe it's because I'm older now. Life has changed and I see my previous self completely different now.

It leaves me feeling broken and hurt like I'm a 13 year old girl just trying to survive again.

It makes me feel the darkness and the hatred that consumed me underneath the surface.

I don't see all of the beautiful memories, I see what lied beneath them.

And I can't imagine trying to cram anymore memories into that place.

It needs to stay exactly how I left it.

I found Natalie in my mess. She was completely worth it.

She really has been my saving grace through a lot of crap and I have a feeling she always will be.

This post is weird and makes me feel somewhat crazy.