November.

My posts are getting fewer and farther between and I'm sad about it. I feel like I have writer's block.
I don't want this blog to be only about how we spend our days step by step. (We wake up and complain about doing it. We go to work. We come home. We eat dinner. We talk and watch our shows. We go to sleep. Repeat.) I want to look back and see where we've been spiritually, emotionally and physically. I don't know how to capture that and it's frustrating.


Why is it easier to talk about life when life is on the rocks? It reminds me of the question I've heard so much in church my entire life, "Why do you only call on God when you need Him to fix something?" I am extremely guilty of this. When life gets bumpy the "Please God" and the "I'm sorry" comes out. Why is it so hard to say a simple thank you throughout the day? I wish it wasn't. I wish my faith was how it was when I was 10. Pure and naive. No shame. No pride. No fear.


These last few days have been torture for me. I lost someone this weekend that once was extremely dear to me. The only thing that calms my soul is listening to Waterdeep, Phil Wickham, Jason Upton or The Glorious Unseen at a volume that blocks out the universe. One day I'll stop breaking. That's about all I have to say on that matter for everyone to see.


I haven't quit smoking. All you non-smokers like to ask how "smoking" is going as if it's like a favorite childhood toy you just grow out of one day and don't look back. Well, props to you non-smokers for never starting. You were the smart ones. Meanwhile, my dumb-ass is going to sit on my porch and smoke because unlike a childhood toy, I haven't grown out of it. One day, when I really have the will to quit, I will. In other words, when I finally start that family I think about all day, I will quit. Until then, keep 'em coming Marlboro.
(This isn't supposed to be as snarky as it sounds. I mean it when I say props to you.)


It's hard not to blog about your job. But, I don't feel like getting fired one day for someone running across this and taking something I say out of context so I won't do it.


I am a child of the car business. This statement used to do nothing but depress and embarrass me. When people ask where I came from and I say, “Automax” they look at me in shock and say something along the lines of, “How did you get this job then?” with their noses turned up. I suppose the medical field and the car business are polar opposites and it probably does seem weird considering I have no formal education and I don’t shop at Banana Republic. I find great self satisfaction knowing that I can do it. I did do it. I didn't go to college and yet, I did it. I know that I have what it takes to succeed and find stability in a world outside of cars.


With this said I miss knowing that the people I work with are people that love me like family and have my back. I miss being able to tell the people I work with every aspect of my life with complete comfort and zero judgment. I find myself lost here and often wondering if this feeling of being an outsider will ever go away. There is something missing in my life and it’s the craziness known as accounting.. and my best friend Leslie.

In other news, my husband is adorable and I’m obsessed with Instagram and Tilt Shift Generator my iPhone4 because it makes things pretty like this: