The Truth About 2012

My sweet neighbor has inspired me to be honest

about how I really feel about 2012 & what it's really been for me

emotionally, mentally & physically.

Not because I want to whine, but just as she said, I want it documented.

And I'd actually really like prayer for it. Something I have a hard time asking for.

2012 has been one of the hardest years for me personally.

It has been painful & it's been full of a big battle of depression.

My initial reaction to the New Year is that I'm so thankful it's over.

I've never put any weight on the whole "It's a new year & fresh beginning" idea

but this year, I feel it. It is a fresh beginning for me.

That scares the hell out of me.

2012 ending also means so much to me.

It means a lot of really big disappointment.

2012 has resulted in a lot of broken friendships.

A few were thankfully repairable thanks to grace.

People I thought would always be a constant in my life,

I had to let go & realize it wasn't meant to be.

I definitely felt those losses greatly & grieved them for a long time.

2012 was the year I realized just how attached I am to my dogs.

As silly as it is, letting Lady Bird go has tremendously affected me.

I never realized the love I had for her

& how much I desperately want her back.

2012 made me face the reality that I may never have children.

I had health issues for a majority of the year in this area

that might mean I don't even ovulate.

I know, be positive Jana.

I spend most of my time being positive about the situation

but I'm also realistic & know it just might not be in the cards for me.

I hide from this reality every day.

When 2012 ends, that'll mean it's been 3 years that we've desperately

wanted a family. THREE YEARS.

I don't know how to cope with that

but I'm doing the best I can.

My dark reality is that I'm hurting in this situation

& it hurts me to see what feels like everyone else around me

expand their families.

It's definitely a selfishness in me that I need to work on.

At the same time, I just ask you have a little grace for me.

Sometimes it hurts me to look at your child

& I take that one day at a time.

With that being said, this year has brought joy as well.

I've realized that family means more to me than I know.

& they've been supportive of me in ways I don't deserve.

My oldest sister, Cara, means more to me than I know how to explain.

& I plan on being the sister that I should have been the past 6 years

& never waiver from that again.

Tommie & Jason Marshell & their son Max have been crucial in my life.

They'll never grasp just how much they heal me.

Max, your Aunt Jana never knew she could love you the way she does.

My husband shows me everyday how amazing he is.

I'm blown away by our love for each other & our marriage daily.

I pray these next 5 years will be just like our last 5

& that our communication never changes.

I'm always shocked by his reactions to me "showing my ugly".

The things I'm scared to say out loud, never even seem to phase him.

If I do have children one day, I hope they're just like their father.