The Life Changes via my dogs

It's so weird that this was a year ago almost exactly.

It seems unreal to me that Lady Bird came into our lives over 3 years ago.

It's unreal to me how much she meant to me & still does.

The fact that I can still cry looking back at her is probably crazy

& Ryan was right, I did favor her.

I love Hank in the exact same way I loved Bird.

I'm starting to think that Hank & Bird call each other during the day

& she gives him all sorts of silly lessons.

It almost creeps me out how much he resembles her at times.

The more his little personality comes out,

the more I'm reminded of that silly sweet pointer face.

He's all of the good & funny things about her

& it makes me love him so much more.

I know it feels like this blog has become an "all about my pets" piece,

but I just have to talk about it.

I have to because I'M still processing what I feel in my life right now.

Hank has literally changed my life.

He has changed ME. All of me.

It's weird & I don't get it. He's a dog.

& yes, I've ALWAYS been a crazy animal lover,

but this is so beyond that with Hank.

He's changed my perception on so many things

& he's really made me feel more compassion for people & animals than I have ever felt.

So much so that it almost feels suffocating.

My emotions run extremely high when I see a dog on the street

& I just want to help every animal I can.

I've been forced to really rethink what I'm doing with my life

& what I can do to change it.

(i.e. I should have been a veterinarian & that's pretty obvious.)

But he's also eased the pain I've had over not being blessed with children so far in my life.

Oh Hank, you have really done your momma in.

The Truth About 2012

My sweet neighbor has inspired me to be honest

about how I really feel about 2012 & what it's really been for me

emotionally, mentally & physically.

Not because I want to whine, but just as she said, I want it documented.

And I'd actually really like prayer for it. Something I have a hard time asking for.

2012 has been one of the hardest years for me personally.

It has been painful & it's been full of a big battle of depression.

My initial reaction to the New Year is that I'm so thankful it's over.

I've never put any weight on the whole "It's a new year & fresh beginning" idea

but this year, I feel it. It is a fresh beginning for me.

That scares the hell out of me.

2012 ending also means so much to me.

It means a lot of really big disappointment.

2012 has resulted in a lot of broken friendships.

A few were thankfully repairable thanks to grace.

People I thought would always be a constant in my life,

I had to let go & realize it wasn't meant to be.

I definitely felt those losses greatly & grieved them for a long time.

2012 was the year I realized just how attached I am to my dogs.

As silly as it is, letting Lady Bird go has tremendously affected me.

I never realized the love I had for her

& how much I desperately want her back.

2012 made me face the reality that I may never have children.

I had health issues for a majority of the year in this area

that might mean I don't even ovulate.

I know, be positive Jana.

I spend most of my time being positive about the situation

but I'm also realistic & know it just might not be in the cards for me.

I hide from this reality every day.

When 2012 ends, that'll mean it's been 3 years that we've desperately

wanted a family. THREE YEARS.

I don't know how to cope with that

but I'm doing the best I can.

My dark reality is that I'm hurting in this situation

& it hurts me to see what feels like everyone else around me

expand their families.

It's definitely a selfishness in me that I need to work on.

At the same time, I just ask you have a little grace for me.

Sometimes it hurts me to look at your child

& I take that one day at a time.

With that being said, this year has brought joy as well.

I've realized that family means more to me than I know.

& they've been supportive of me in ways I don't deserve.

My oldest sister, Cara, means more to me than I know how to explain.

& I plan on being the sister that I should have been the past 6 years

& never waiver from that again.

Tommie & Jason Marshell & their son Max have been crucial in my life.

They'll never grasp just how much they heal me.

Max, your Aunt Jana never knew she could love you the way she does.

My husband shows me everyday how amazing he is.

I'm blown away by our love for each other & our marriage daily.

I pray these next 5 years will be just like our last 5

& that our communication never changes.

I'm always shocked by his reactions to me "showing my ugly".

The things I'm scared to say out loud, never even seem to phase him.

If I do have children one day, I hope they're just like their father.

April & May 2012

Every year we have a few months that string together one bad thing after the next. Something usually happens with the house and then to our personal lives. We've hit those months.

• The squirrells have officially declared war on our house. If anyone would like proof of the damage that a squirrell can cause to your wood siding or shingles, come on over. Those little shits can chew.
• Lotion bottles have been flushed down toilets. Good news is, we have a really bad ass toilet that can flush things with a 1.5 inch diameter. This will come in handy when we have kids I'm sure.
• Windows have leaked water... just add it to the list of ways our house is falling apart.
• We lost Lady Bird.
• Ollie has been sick. She threw up for 12 straight hours. Come to find out, dogs with sensitive systems can't handle flea collars.
• I have been "sick". Not really sick but something is wrong with my body and it has caused so much joy, stress, anxiety, dissapointment and fear to last me awhile.
• I found out I have high cholesterol. This stuns me that I have to worry about clogged arteries at barely 23 years old.

To look on the bright side:

• I celebrated my 23rd birthday earlier this month & Ryan made it perfect. We just spent the entire day together starting with brunch @ Iguana's (I highly recommend it), a movie, bowling, dinner, etc. I wish every day was like that day.

• My birthday was also made special by dinner with my family, roller skating and a quiet "surprise" celebration with homemade ice cream cake with more friends.



• I've really learned a lot about myself and the people in my life these past two months.
• I know more than ever that God sent The Marshell's to be in our lives even more so to help us through times like the past few months. I wouldn't have survived without them. They are too dear for words. Not to mention, they are parents to my nephew so I have to adore them anyway. :)

• We're going on our first real vacation in 4.5 years in 19 days to meet our new little nephew Kyle who was born May 8th.



Meet Kyle Edward Adkins

• I have realized more than ever just how bad I want and am ready to be a mom.
• Having high cholesterol will force us to stay on diet and lose the weight we want off. I only wish our neighborhood wasn't too sketchy to go running in after dark.
• The Thunder just made it to the Western Conference Finals. That's pretty amazing.

On a side note, Blogspot's formatting is driving me crazy. I am not putting those gaps in between paragraphs. Even when I look at the HTML there are not spaces entered. I don't understand.

The List: Week 6 - Hardest Experience

See the previous week here.

6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?

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It's kind of hard to pick the hardest experience in ones life because so many things are hard in different ways and for different reasons. We've all lost people in our lives and I've lived through an ugly divorce as a child.

While this isn't actually the hardest, it's the most relative to me at this moment.
I was going to make a separate post about this but once I saw this week's topic I figured I didn't need two sad posts in one day.. or week.. or even month.

We had to make the decision to give up Lady Bird yesterday.
Typing those words hurts my heart and brings tears to my eyes.
It's something I've known we'd have to do eventually for a long time but have refused to believe it.
Her & Ollie have just never seen eye to eye. Bird just doesn't understand that Ollie is Alpha.
I know that she's just an animal to most people. If you know me well, you know there's no such thing to me as "just an animal". My love for that silly dog is overwhelming. She has held a very special place in my heart.

Bert, I hope that you're in a perfect home. I hope that your new family lets you get the dragons out of their house and they cover your eyes when you have a spasm to calm you. I hope they learn how smart you are in your own way and that they kiss you on the cheeks all of the time. I hope they let you cuddle them all the time because you just need someone to love you. I hope that you're not scared and that you're making friends. Most of all, I hope that you know that I love you forever. Forever.