Slightly looking back; Big things moving forward

In 2012, I lost relationships,who I was, a dog & my ability to function without a child. 

In 2013, I quit smoking, found strength in my relationships, found who I am, lost a dog but gained 2 more & could pretty much care less about the subject of children. I am 100% okay with not being a mom & possibly never being one. Time will only tell & I'm happy with either outcome.

In 2014, I hope to never lose a dog. ever. can't do it 3 years in a row. I hope to continue down a path of relaxation & balance in all aspects of my life, including relationships. I hope to practice what I preach in my financial journey & reach my goals. I hope to lose 50 pounds, 20 of which was gained in 2013 after putting down cigarettes. 

I want to get healthy. Just like smoking, losing weight is one of those things we'll say we're going to do over and over and over & never actually do it. This year, just like with smoking, I feel the change & the realness of it all. I am totally going to mess up at some point & eat those McDonald's chocolate chip cookies that I crave ALL. OF. THE. TIME. but I'll get past it & I know it.

Every time we embark on a new "diet" I always learn something new that works best for us. I'm trying to use all of those things to help stay on stack this time.

• Stay organized but not too organized. Meal preparation & planning makes for a lot less stress during meal times which means you aren't as likely to throw in the towel & go get something. BUT I hate plans. I hate big commitments (how did I ever get married?). So I have to come up with meal plans that leave room for flexibility & change. I would totally love to be one of those people that cares enough to be a paleo freak but I know that I don't have the dedication. I can lean towards it & eat a lot of paleo meals but I know the second that I declare to only follow paleo diets that I will fail instantly. Thank you bags of frozen chicken breasts. You give me endless varieties & don't spoil.
• I know myself way too well to know that even if I pay for a gym, that I won't go to one. I won't. Oh, I probably will for the first week but I will have a thousand of the best excuses not to after that. I am a homebody. I always have been & always will be. I get embarrassed in front of strangers in places I am unfamiliar with, especially when doing something completely unfamiliar to me; ie. everything at a gym. I knew I needed to find a way that I would exercise but be comfortable at the same time. In comes my new gazelle. I love her. 
  
• I also know that I'm lazy in more than just that area. I need help getting weight off because if I don't see progress, I will definitely go order a dozen of those McDonald's cookies & enjoy being fat for another year. Thank you Plexus Slim for existing & curbing my appetite. 
  
• Nothing in this world will motivate me more than competing my husband for it & being rewarded for it. So thank you Tommie for being my partner so we can kick our husband's asses. I can't wait to win & rub it in their faces for eternity with our skinny butts & prizes.

I'll let you know at the end of the month how we did on this new journey. Until then, I'm going to go dream about cookies while eating baked chicken.

The King.

This guy has been apart of our lives for just over a week.

It feels like longer some days, 

while others you can still definitely tell he's new to the clan.

Having another dog has been weird yet also just comfortable.

If Hank hadn't have instantly loved him, I wouldn't have been able to do it honestly.

I wasn't sure when we brought him home how I'd feel about a new dog in Ollie's space.

I was having major anxiety about it until I saw Hank's face.

That pure joy I hadn't seen since a week before Ollie died.

I knew right then that Hank needed him.

& if Hank needed him, we did too.

I promise Hank is actually happy. ;) He's just pouting because he wants in the front seat.

Can I just say that having dogs that ride in cars like champs is such a special bonus to me?

I love being able to take my dogs everywhere with me.

If I could get away with it, they would never leave my side.

Service dogs here we come?

He's found his spot in the family fairly easy.

Hank & Comet love him & that love is definitely returned.

He's really been a good dog & I do already love him so.

The only behavioral issue we've found so far is jumping up on people

...or objects in general.

Other than that, he is just so damn happy all of the time.

Hank & King are definitely just the beginning of the love affair with pits we'll have forever.

On a side note, Ryan & I started smoking again a little bit when Ollie died.

I don't feel bad about it. We lost a family member. We coped.

We decided to start vaping so that we wouldn't be tempted to buy cigarettes.

& our new vapes are awesome.

I'm accepting this as a positive thing. We can't all be perfect right?

Hey kids, DON'T EVER SMOKE.

The Finale: my smoking journey

Remember this,

TWO & A HALF YEARS AGO?

I can proudly say that I did it.

It might have taken me over 2 years, but I did it.

Today is my 23rd day since my last cigarette (E-Cig included).
I've been trying to wait until day 30 but I can't hold it in anymore.
The only person I've told is my mom & I'm just too anxious to wait any longer.
I smoked for a solid 5 years & off /on for 2 before that.
Not anymore folks!
I've had a taste of life beyond cigarettes & it is sweet.

 

I find myself checking this app several times throughout the day.
It keeps my head on & makes me see the bigger picture.
It's almost like it helps me see it as a challenge
& I just have to see those numbers keep rising.
It also makes me so incredibly proud of myself
& that's what keeps me going.

Today is a big landmark in my life.
Today is the day I conquered my biggest weakness
& I did it all on my own & without a motivator.
I just.... did it.

I'm making a formal apology to everyone
that had to smell my stinky ass for the past 5-7 years.
I can't stand the smell anymore.
It is HORRIBLE.

Also, I can feel myself gaining weight as I type this.
I will not beat the stereotype of getting fat after quitting.
But hey, I'll take saving all that money
& years on my life for a few pounds.

The List: Week 16 - Accomplishments

See the previous week here.

16. What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?

These are things that mean a lot to me & me only.

------------------------------------------------------

1. My marriage.
It's strong & thriving.
Considering that half of everyone we know
seems to already have been divorced by now,
this is apparently a big deal.
Okay, really it's just a great accomplishment
that I found someone that wanted to marry me. :)

2. My job.
I shouldn't be where I am today
but I was lucky & got a head start at the age of 16.
In actuality, it's just an accomplishment
that I wake up each morning & go to work.
You have no idea how hard that is for me.

3. My finances.
They're not perfect.
Everyone can always use more.
But I'm content.
& I'm proud that I'm always working
to get more out of them.
It's hard to have self control with money.
I know that.
& sometimes we fail & we get off track.
But you know...
we have enough control to get right back on
& that is what makes me happy.

4. Right now it's not smoking.
Yes, technically I am still smoking since we have the E-Cigs,
But if you've ever been a smoker,
you know how big of a deal it is to put down cigarettes
& I have
& it feels more amazing then I imagined.

5. Leaving the car business.
Hardest thing I've ever done.
That place was more a part of my soul than I can describe.
& I left it all behind to be a stranger in a new land.
There are 2 reasons why this is a big deal to me.
One. My anxiety that happens when I'm a stranger
usually prohibits me from branching out.
Two. I hate letting people go.
I've lost so many people I love so much
& that is my only regret.

This pretty much sums up every day with Leslie @ Automax

2013: The smokeless year

 These have saved my life. 

It's been almost a week since we've had these now

& I wish I would have switched to an electronic cigarette a long time ago.

It has been a seamless transition from cigarettes & I'm thankful.

It's been 7 days since a real cigarette has touched my lips

& I haven't even noticed. I could care less.

That feeling is wonderful.

I have a lot of hope that these will make quitting completely seamless too.

Oh! Now I don't have to do this

(bundle up with a chicken on my head) 

just to enjoy a smoke.

No more stinky smoke.

No more being too cold or too hot outside.

Thank you Blu.

2013

I have high hopes for this year.

We're exactly 1 week into this year and I couldn't ask for it to be better.

We rang in the new year as Chola's celebrating Tommie's birthday.

Ryan & Jeremy as Cholo's.
I contemplated not displaying this on the web
but oh, what the hell.
Sorry if you're offended. :)

Max's first birthday party was on Saturday.

I can't believe he's already a year. That time has flown by.

I can't even comprehend how his parents must feel.

On a side note, I don't look forward to having to plan birthday parties.

I got to spend the rest of my Saturday with my dear friend Natalie.

It had been a long time since we'd been able to spend some one-on-one time like that

& I cherished every second of it.

I can't begin to describe how much it meant to me to just sit

& talk with her for hours. About everything.

It was the most refreshing conversation I've had in a long time.

We decided to make a spur of the moment mini road trip

& drive out to Eischen's in Okarche

(which is not as far as I thought it was, by the way).

By the time we made it there and walked inside,

we realized neither one of us really like fried chicken enough

to wait in the unbelievable long line inside.

I will say that it smelled like heaven in there though.

We wound up at Sid's Diner in El Reno

& it felt like we were in another world.

No clue why but I felt like an alien in that tiny little shack.

So 2013, please be good to me.

Let me continue to feel the love I feel right now all year long.

This is the year I partly quit smoking 

[ E-Cigarette's count as halfway quitting right? :) ]

This is the year we become debt free.

[ Just 6 more months to go!! ]

Those are my only two statements for this year.

They're the only 2 things I know for certain

& I don't believe in new year resolutions.

These 2 things are enough for me though.

I can't wait.

November.

My posts are getting fewer and farther between and I'm sad about it. I feel like I have writer's block.
I don't want this blog to be only about how we spend our days step by step. (We wake up and complain about doing it. We go to work. We come home. We eat dinner. We talk and watch our shows. We go to sleep. Repeat.) I want to look back and see where we've been spiritually, emotionally and physically. I don't know how to capture that and it's frustrating.


Why is it easier to talk about life when life is on the rocks? It reminds me of the question I've heard so much in church my entire life, "Why do you only call on God when you need Him to fix something?" I am extremely guilty of this. When life gets bumpy the "Please God" and the "I'm sorry" comes out. Why is it so hard to say a simple thank you throughout the day? I wish it wasn't. I wish my faith was how it was when I was 10. Pure and naive. No shame. No pride. No fear.


These last few days have been torture for me. I lost someone this weekend that once was extremely dear to me. The only thing that calms my soul is listening to Waterdeep, Phil Wickham, Jason Upton or The Glorious Unseen at a volume that blocks out the universe. One day I'll stop breaking. That's about all I have to say on that matter for everyone to see.


I haven't quit smoking. All you non-smokers like to ask how "smoking" is going as if it's like a favorite childhood toy you just grow out of one day and don't look back. Well, props to you non-smokers for never starting. You were the smart ones. Meanwhile, my dumb-ass is going to sit on my porch and smoke because unlike a childhood toy, I haven't grown out of it. One day, when I really have the will to quit, I will. In other words, when I finally start that family I think about all day, I will quit. Until then, keep 'em coming Marlboro.
(This isn't supposed to be as snarky as it sounds. I mean it when I say props to you.)


It's hard not to blog about your job. But, I don't feel like getting fired one day for someone running across this and taking something I say out of context so I won't do it.


I am a child of the car business. This statement used to do nothing but depress and embarrass me. When people ask where I came from and I say, “Automax” they look at me in shock and say something along the lines of, “How did you get this job then?” with their noses turned up. I suppose the medical field and the car business are polar opposites and it probably does seem weird considering I have no formal education and I don’t shop at Banana Republic. I find great self satisfaction knowing that I can do it. I did do it. I didn't go to college and yet, I did it. I know that I have what it takes to succeed and find stability in a world outside of cars.


With this said I miss knowing that the people I work with are people that love me like family and have my back. I miss being able to tell the people I work with every aspect of my life with complete comfort and zero judgment. I find myself lost here and often wondering if this feeling of being an outsider will ever go away. There is something missing in my life and it’s the craziness known as accounting.. and my best friend Leslie.

In other news, my husband is adorable and I’m obsessed with Instagram and Tilt Shift Generator my iPhone4 because it makes things pretty like this:

Staying on track is hard sometimes.

The past week has worn on me.

Regret. I have never felt this feeling before and I hope it's one that doesn't last long. It's not something I want to feel ever again. It's like a thick fog that you can't get out of.

I should have never picked up that cigarette. I should have said no to seconds. I should have gone back to my family before it was too late.

I feel like we're trying to change so many things in our life right now that it's ridiculous. At the same time, I'd rather go full force and knock it all out then take 3 years trying to accomplish them one at a time.

• Smoking: Ryan and I are still working on the whole 'not smoking' plan. It's harder than I thought it would be. We sat down together last week and looked at the calendar and decided together what steps we should take each week to eventually not be smoking anymore. This week we're aloud 3 a day, next week 2, etc. until we're at 0. It pretty much sucks and takes way more will power than I have at the moment.
• Money: We are trying to be extremely strict with our money so we can get new furniture (if you've been to my house you know I need it), have a large savings, and live debt free. The first attempt failed this weekend while thrifting for Halloween/Christmas party costumes with Jeremy. We hit the jackpot at every store we went to. I got all of my Halloween costume taken care of and we found more Ugly Sweater Christmas Party outfits than needed. And who can resist "The Sound of Music", "My Fair Lady", and Bing Crosby records? Not I.


• House: I am trying to tackle our landscaping and get it all back to being beautiful - okay not beautiful, just not painful to look at. This requires way more time than I have available. I ordered a bunch of perennials to plant for the fall which are probably sitting on my front porch as we speak. This means I need to finish cleaning out the flower beds, move all of the Cannas to the back, buy a bunch of mulch, etc. BLAH. Which I have to say, I have been slowly working on this for the past two weeks and transplanting plants is not as easy as it looks. But I also don't have a green thumb so everything that has to do with gardening is harder for me.
This is embarrassing but this is how bad it had gotten on the side:



• Food: Ryan and I are now vegetarians. It's generally an animal cruelty issue. But the fact that it's healthier and helps you lose weight is icing on the cake. It's not something we want to make a big deal about or even announce to people. But at the same time, people will have to know because we'll still be dining with them and they might want to know why we ordered french fries only at Burger King. When Ryan and I first met I might as well have been a vegetarian considering how little meat I consumed. I generally hate the taste of meat - particularly ground beef. The only meat I thoroughly enjoy is a steak and bacon. Over the past 5 years meat has become a normal part of my diet mainly due to the fact that my husband loves it.

No time to lose! Must get busy!

On my end note:

I miss this little girl so much.

The immature is coming out:

I promise not to make posts of this nature a habit BUT I need to complain about my petty evening for a second. Proof not smoking makes you crazy.

I came home to pee on my dining room floor. The pee was cleaned and I started cooking. We ran out of Coke & Dr. Pepper so Ryan finished up cooking while I ran to McDonald's to get us drinks. Their Coke machines were messed up so we got the worst Coke's ever.

On my way home, Ryan calls to tell me our washing machine is leaking water. GREAT! We just replaced our fridge and now our washing machine is spraying water out the pipes and our warranty is up October 8th. We barely had money for the fridge and now we need it again and we'll have to go to our parents to do laundry.

I made homemade beef stroganoff for dinner with dinner rolls bought on Sunday. Ryan ate half of his dinner roll and I look down to find mine has a moldy spot on it. I then examine all of them to find they're ALL moldy! Figures. (Poor Ryan tried to spit most of it out.)

After dinner Ryan gets a text about something else that's going to cost us almost $100.

I'm extremely grumpy and stressed at this point because everything has to do with money. I never stress about money. Ryan is the stresser and I calm him down. So you know it's bad when I'm the one upset.

We start getting ready for it to be 7 because all of our shows premiered last night. We get to watch Community and we tried out the new "Sh*t my dad says!" sitcom. It was decent. Right at 8 our DVR goes out and doesn't record The Office or Grey's Anatomy. Ryan runs to the bedroom to watch The Office live while I stay in the living room trying to get the cable box rebooted. I ended up getting so frustrated I sat on our front porch in the rain for 15 minutes just staring out at the street. 20 minutes later it decides to work and now I've missed the entire episode of The Office and half of Grey's.

Needless to say, I smoked 2 cigarettes. So shoot me! I'd say going from 10 a day to 2 is pretty amazing!

I eventually calmed down and decided to not be a bratty grumpy kid. But that only happened once I listened to "You Have Redeemed My Soul" by Waterdeep. They have a way of calming my soul.

Day One

Today is day one of not smoking...

I don't even want a cigarette. I don't crave tobacco. I crave smoke breaks.
That is my issue right now. I feel like I've been at work for 12 hours because I haven't gone on smoke break.
Breaking that habit will be so hard.

BUT I am really relieved to find that the first day has been so easy.

Oh Dave.

I feel as if Ryan and I have had several epiphany's this past week that I will share. (They're going to seem silly to most people but they're extremely serious and important to us.)

1. If we stopped smoking:

• We would save at least $120 a month which means -
• We could stop complaining about needing more work clothes... because we could buy them
• We could stop complaining about having to go on free dates... because we could go on a big ones
• I could stop complaining about missing out on things like "Rocky Horror Picture Show" @ Lyric... because we could afford tickets
• We would have a better chance of growing old together which means -
• Our kids won't have to bury us before they need to
• We can be happily married for longer!
• More time to become millionaires!
• Our kids would be healthier which means -
• We won't feel like bad parents
• We could exercise without our chests hurting which means -
• We could be skinny again
• As mentioned before, our kids have a better chance of seeing their parents grow old

2. If we 100% listened and followed Dave Ramsey's budget like we're supposed to be doing -

• I could stop feeling guilty every day for not doing what I know I should be
• We would have $5,000 in six months meaning we would have our baby emergency fund + able to buy furniture to fill our empty living/dining room + able to buy a stove and dishwasher to match our new fridge
• We would have $10,000 in savings in 18 months for our full on emergency fund - which means we wouldn't have to worry about anything breaking down on us and not being able to afford it
• We could actually buy our parents things for birthdays, holidays, etc.
• We could pay off our car in half the time and be 100% debt free
• We could also pay off our second mortgage within a year - which means our mortgage would be smaller forever!
• We would have to sacrifice a lot to stay on budget and pay things off - meaning we can't just spend money when we want or go to the movies every month... but in the long run, all of that sacrifice would be 200% worth it.
• OH! I forgot the best one - we will retire as millionaires. Which is pretty bad ass.

I realize that life isn't as easy as saying you're going to do it. To stop smoking won't be as easy as just not smoking. Following our budget will not be as easy as saying that we will. It means saying no to what we want. We will have to choose all day long to say no to cigarettes and no to spending money.

We will stop smoking. We will lose weight. We will be millionaires.

I'm pretty confident in the fact that with the both of us on the same page... we can accomplish anything.

All of this talk makes me feel like the blogging world should know about my love for Dave Ramsey. He is a really big part of my life and the things that I believe in. For those who don't know, he's a financial guru who shows you how to change your habits, live debt free, and be 100% financially taken care of. For those interested, you should check him out at: http://www.daveramsey.com/ I know that a lot of people I know don't understand this. They look at him as someone who does what everyone else does... gets people to buy his product. Which he does. I won't argue and say that he doesn't. I have made several purchases from him. I would buy everything he ever wrote if money was no option. His methods make so much sense to me. I could eat, sleep and breathe his financial peace madness if I could. All I know for sure is that Dave Ramsey has literally changed our lives. I used to be so stubborn when it came to listening to people about money. I always thought I had it right. I now know that what I was doing wasn't necessarily "wrong".. if I wanted to live normal. But I don't want to live normal. Normal = debt. Debt = stress and weight on your shoulders. Debt = marital issues. On top of all of his genius, I find him to be such a man of God with a heart of gold. He really gets people. You can tell that he truly feels their pain and struggle in life. I have read so much about him and listened to him so much that I feel like he's my friend. Weird? Maybe. But that's what I love about him. He wants you to know that he's a real person. He gets mad at the IRS too. He cries when someone gets hurt. And he's been bankrupt.. twice before he learned to be smart with his money. When I'm having a hard day, listening to his show is so uplifting. It's so rare to find such a strong man these days.

Needless to say, our lives and thoughts on money and how we treat people have been changed upside down and I love it.

The only thing I don't love is that I get aggravated at other people and their money easier and I feel super guilty now if I make a money mistake. Neither of these things are to an extreme and are bad things, just annoying. I wish I didn't care sometimes.